FOOD ENTRY

I'm finally back on track, and I've realized that the best thing for me is to avoid going insane with fasting and different approaches and stuff (Like the master cleanse. Which is VILE)

Strawberries (40)
¼ cup lettuce (2)
4 pickle slices (0)
3 tomato slices (11)
1 onion slice (5)
3 oz lean ground beef (146)
3 tbsp ketchup (45)
3 tbsp mustard (0)
½ cup steamed broccoli (27)

GRAND TOTAL = 276

All I have to focus on now is to keep every day under 500 calories, and to workout as often as possible. Ole!

BINGE TIME!!!

So, I thought I'd post this, just as a reminder of why I shouldn't binge. It made me really upset; i've been careful for two weeks, and by bingeing I could totally have screwed up my hard work. I purged all of it.

(Again, trying really hard NOT to do this)

1 banana w/LOTS of peanut butter (not so bad, but it triggered the binge)
1/2 cup leftover wild rice (lots of butter, really greasy)
1 chocolate sugar free pudding cup
1 vanilla sugar free pudding cup
2 tagalong girlscout cookies
5 lemon creme girlscout cookies

ughhhh. Now I will be fasting ALL weekend. I hate fasting.

FOOD ENTRY

So, I haven't written in a couple days; reason? I got lazy. But my intake was under 500 for both days, so no worries! I'm starting up UEN next week, and this weekend I'm going to shoot for under 400 calories on both days. I'm also going to do a weigh-in measure-in! I'm so excited! I've been holding it off because seeing my weight on a daily basis tends to trigger my bulimia. I have yet to understand why...

Also, I PROMISE to keep working on my interesting post from like, a week ago. #2 is coming!


1/2 banana (40)
1/3 cup oatmeal (130)
1 packet truvia
5 chunks frozen pineapple (25)
4 Big Cheeze-its (61.57)
1/2 cup lettuce (4)
10 sprays salad dressing (10)
1 tbsp peas(3)

and then...

4 OZ ROAST CHICKEN. AGHHHH (187)


GRAND TOTAL = 460.57 (I'M MAKING UP FOR IT TOMORROW)

FOOD ENTRY

Today somehow seemed like I ate ALOT. But I think its because I'm just starting, so I'm not going to immediately look skinny. That will take a long, LONG, time.


1/2 cup oatmeal (100)
1 ver. small banana (the ones this week are midget sized, really)(70)
1 packet truvia(0)
1 apple cider vinegar shot
4 green tea pills(I don't know how many calories, but this better have burned SOMETHING)
1 onion (40)
1 tomato(22)
1 clove garlic(4)
1 cup red cabbage(10)
1 egg(60)


GRAND TOTAL = 100 + 70 + 40 + 22 + 4 + 10 + 60 = 306 = 400 (I feel like I must have eaten more than that)

Still not too bad, and I DON'T GET IT. WHY am I not losing MORE?!?!? Why am I still so huge. I just feel big, and grotesque, and disgusting.

Unghhhh

FOOD ENTRY

I think I skipped a day somewhere, but I can't figure it out. I strongly dislike myself for that currently.


2x2 square of egg casserole (95)
10 bites watermelon (5)
3 bites sausage (80)
lean cuisine (220)
MEGA amounts of enough water to make me pee at a constant rate
5 Green Tea Pills
Vitamins!

GRAND TOTAL = 95 + 5 + 80 + 220 = 400 (It's weird how evenly that came out)

FOOD ENTRY

I think I already ate way too much today - mostly because it was normal-ish food and I feel really full. So, this is all! NO MORE!


The exclammation points are directed at me for motivation. :)


1 packet Quaker Oatmeal (160)
1 packet truvia (0 and delicious)
1 ver. small banana with the ends cut off (50)
1/2 caprese sandwich from Heirloom Bakery (between 250-300)
Green Tea pills up the Ying Yang

GRAND TOTAL = 160 + 50 + 300 = 510

Nevermind, that's not too bad. Now I feel stupid

THE TRINITY

There are three distinct memories that I have from that approximate time when my relationship with food got weird. Not, bad, exactly, but just that; weird. I still have no idea how old I was, or where I was. But, here they are, absent of any order (Other than what is logical to me.)


#1: Brittany Diaz was my first best friend. I mean, I was friends with a lot of other kids by the time I turned 4, but she was the first best friend I actually CHOSE. Up until that point, I was basically grouped together with original members of Parent Ed and the Stroller Brigade, courtesy of Cathy Riley. My circle of "friends" was approximately 95% asian, and included several nasty little booger pickers, and one kid who peed his bed "3-5 times per week" (But I bet it was way more). So when Brittany moved in at the end of the street, I was glad to have an option, finally. I remember walking down the street, little hand reaching up to clasp a big one, with the sun beaming so hard that I was walking blind with eyes closed. And when I opened them, there, in place of the sun, was this little brown-haired girl perched high up on her father's shoulders. There was hand shaking and hugging and probably some bond-forging, but it blurred into the back of my mind years ago. That's not exactly the memory I'm talking about, but I'm getting to it. What I wanted you to know is that at that point, when I met and made my very first friend, at that point I didn't SEE people. I didn't look at them and judge them, fat or thin, tall, short, pretty, ugly, pretty ugly. My baby knowledge told my mind "Here is you, here is dad, here is her, here is them." Not even for a moment did I compare myself, doubt who I was now that another person existed.
The important memory is this. Everything is dark, suddenly, like it hasn't been before. And then I see Brittany, and she's bending over. She's picking up a doll, and I'm standing to the side clutching my doll tight and thinking, frantically, "Do I weigh more, or does Brittany weigh more?" And the moment slows as I gasp breath, and survey the person in front of me. I exhale. She's bigger than me, Brittany is bigger. I'm not fat, because Brittany is not fat, and she's bigger than me. I am OK. And then the memory is over and everything goes white. And that would be the first time I was ever concious of my body; the first time I ever felt so big that I knew I could have swallowed the universe.