Tuesday, March 10, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

I'm finally back on track, and I've realized that the best thing for me is to avoid going insane with fasting and different approaches and stuff (Like the master cleanse. Which is VILE)

Strawberries (40)
¼ cup lettuce (2)
4 pickle slices (0)
3 tomato slices (11)
1 onion slice (5)
3 oz lean ground beef (146)
3 tbsp ketchup (45)
3 tbsp mustard (0)
½ cup steamed broccoli (27)


GRAND TOTAL = 276

All I have to focus on now is to keep every day under 500 calories, and to workout as often as possible. Ole!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

BINGE TIME!!!

So, I thought I'd post this, just as a reminder of why I shouldn't binge. It made me really upset; i've been careful for two weeks, and by bingeing I could totally have screwed up my hard work. I purged all of it.

(Again, trying really hard NOT to do this)

1 banana w/LOTS of peanut butter (not so bad, but it triggered the binge)
1/2 cup leftover wild rice (lots of butter, really greasy)
1 chocolate sugar free pudding cup
1 vanilla sugar free pudding cup
2 tagalong girlscout cookies
5 lemon creme girlscout cookies

ughhhh. Now I will be fasting ALL weekend. I hate fasting.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

So, I haven't written in a couple days; reason? I got lazy. But my intake was under 500 for both days, so no worries! I'm starting up UEN next week, and this weekend I'm going to shoot for under 400 calories on both days. I'm also going to do a weigh-in measure-in! I'm so excited! I've been holding it off because seeing my weight on a daily basis tends to trigger my bulimia. I have yet to understand why...

Also, I PROMISE to keep working on my interesting post from like, a week ago. #2 is coming!


1/2 banana (40)
1/3 cup oatmeal (130)
1 packet truvia
5 chunks frozen pineapple (25)
4 Big Cheeze-its (61.57)
1/2 cup lettuce (4)
10 sprays salad dressing (10)
1 tbsp peas(3)

and then...

4 OZ ROAST CHICKEN. AGHHHH (187)


GRAND TOTAL = 460.57 (I'M MAKING UP FOR IT TOMORROW)

Monday, February 23, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

Today somehow seemed like I ate ALOT. But I think its because I'm just starting, so I'm not going to immediately look skinny. That will take a long, LONG, time.


1/2 cup oatmeal (100)
1 ver. small banana (the ones this week are midget sized, really)(70)
1 packet truvia(0)
1 apple cider vinegar shot
4 green tea pills(I don't know how many calories, but this better have burned SOMETHING)
1 onion (40)
1 tomato(22)
1 clove garlic(4)
1 cup red cabbage(10)
1 egg(60)


GRAND TOTAL = 100 + 70 + 40 + 22 + 4 + 10 + 60 = 306 = 400 (I feel like I must have eaten more than that)

Still not too bad, and I DON'T GET IT. WHY am I not losing MORE?!?!? Why am I still so huge. I just feel big, and grotesque, and disgusting.

Unghhhh

Sunday, February 22, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

I think I skipped a day somewhere, but I can't figure it out. I strongly dislike myself for that currently.


2x2 square of egg casserole (95)
10 bites watermelon (5)
3 bites sausage (80)
lean cuisine (220)
MEGA amounts of enough water to make me pee at a constant rate
5 Green Tea Pills
Vitamins!

GRAND TOTAL = 95 + 5 + 80 + 220 = 400 (It's weird how evenly that came out)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

I think I already ate way too much today - mostly because it was normal-ish food and I feel really full. So, this is all! NO MORE!


The exclammation points are directed at me for motivation. :)


1 packet Quaker Oatmeal (160)
1 packet truvia (0 and delicious)
1 ver. small banana with the ends cut off (50)
1/2 caprese sandwich from Heirloom Bakery (between 250-300)
Green Tea pills up the Ying Yang

GRAND TOTAL = 160 + 50 + 300 = 510

Nevermind, that's not too bad. Now I feel stupid

Friday, February 20, 2009

THE TRINITY

There are three distinct memories that I have from that approximate time when my relationship with food got weird. Not, bad, exactly, but just that; weird. I still have no idea how old I was, or where I was. But, here they are, absent of any order (Other than what is logical to me.)


#1: Brittany Diaz was my first best friend. I mean, I was friends with a lot of other kids by the time I turned 4, but she was the first best friend I actually CHOSE. Up until that point, I was basically grouped together with original members of Parent Ed and the Stroller Brigade, courtesy of Cathy Riley. My circle of "friends" was approximately 95% asian, and included several nasty little booger pickers, and one kid who peed his bed "3-5 times per week" (But I bet it was way more). So when Brittany moved in at the end of the street, I was glad to have an option, finally. I remember walking down the street, little hand reaching up to clasp a big one, with the sun beaming so hard that I was walking blind with eyes closed. And when I opened them, there, in place of the sun, was this little brown-haired girl perched high up on her father's shoulders. There was hand shaking and hugging and probably some bond-forging, but it blurred into the back of my mind years ago. That's not exactly the memory I'm talking about, but I'm getting to it. What I wanted you to know is that at that point, when I met and made my very first friend, at that point I didn't SEE people. I didn't look at them and judge them, fat or thin, tall, short, pretty, ugly, pretty ugly. My baby knowledge told my mind "Here is you, here is dad, here is her, here is them." Not even for a moment did I compare myself, doubt who I was now that another person existed.
The important memory is this. Everything is dark, suddenly, like it hasn't been before. And then I see Brittany, and she's bending over. She's picking up a doll, and I'm standing to the side clutching my doll tight and thinking, frantically, "Do I weigh more, or does Brittany weigh more?" And the moment slows as I gasp breath, and survey the person in front of me. I exhale. She's bigger than me, Brittany is bigger. I'm not fat, because Brittany is not fat, and she's bigger than me. I am OK. And then the memory is over and everything goes white. And that would be the first time I was ever concious of my body; the first time I ever felt so big that I knew I could have swallowed the universe.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

I'm going to write something interesting later, to counteract this, which is boring.

7 Almonds (60)
2 bottles Crystal Lite (20)
REALLY small banana (70)
2 tsp. peanut butter (90)
3 cups miso soup (diluted, strained) (65)
Green Tea(zeroooo! Woo woo!)

SUB TOTAL= 60 + 20 + 70 + 90 + 65 = 305 (I'm going to hit right under 500 today)(Fuck the trials of metabolism)

And then I peed 8 times. Exciting!



LATER...

Just got back from an NCL meeting. Ugh.
For an organization founded on the central ideals of every body image difficulty imaginable they really know how to make you pack it away. So, I overate for today basically (GRAND TOTAL=755) - however- it wasn't a binge. I actually REALLY thought about it, cut it up, drank water, analyzed it. But I was tired, hungry, and not feeling good at all. So I did it. And I don't care THAT much, except it sets me back, which makes me angry.
I just want to be thin, preferably now.

P.S. THERE WILL BE A GOOD ENTRY LATER!



THE GOOD WAY?

I found this a LOOONNNG time ago. Way before I'd even considered restricting. Even though it sounds like it, and comes extremely close with similar technique, this diet IS NOT anorexia. Instead, it focuses on providing nutrition in a perfectly balanced way; and the results are incredible. Entirely unlike anorexia, this diet is scientifically proven to increase lifespan. Too bad it calls for the kind of iron willpower that most people lack. READ IT ALL! ( I don't really know who that's directed at)


http://nymag.com/news/features/23169/

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

FOOD ENTRY

Yo Yo Yiggity Yo.

This is just a food entry. It is boring. It is necessary that it exist for me to not reach obesity. Can you deal with that?


10 Almonds (They were surprisingly satisfying. What the fuck?) (80)
1 bite Apple (.5)
12909487584690298476890249867892046 gallons water (0)
1 bottle crystal lite (10)
VITAMINS!!!! (0)
2 cups miso soup (70) (normally 90, but I let everything drain to the bottom until I just have broth)

SUB TOTAL = 80+.5+10+70 = 160.5 = 170 (I enjoy rounding up)
So, to stay under 500, I can eat 330 ish more calories. The only thing I'm worried about is binging, which tends to suck me in like this dark black swirling sucking fun destroying vortex.
However, in the event of that not happening = BEST.DAY.EVER.
LATER.... (And after this I'm done! Buahaahha)
Small Banana (72)
1/2 cup shredded lettuce (4)
1 oz chicken (47)
1 oz fish (40)
1 cherry tomato (10)
2 avocado cubes (16)
1 tbsp ketchup (15)
3 strawberries (15)
GRAND TOTAL = 170 + 72 + 4 + 47 + 40 + 10 + 16 + 15 + 15 = 389 = 390
Yes! But it's probably just beginner's luck :)

WHAT I WILL NEED: Thinspiration (Not the ugly kind, the kind I want to be!)



THESE WOMEN ARE MY IDOLS, AND IN MY OPINION THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD. IF YOU'RE BORN LOOKING LIKE THIS, YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT!

























































































































































WHAT I WILL NEED: Toolbox-wise

TO PURCHASE WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS

  1. Jumprope
  2. Hula-hoop
  3. Weight-loss tea
  4. Yoga mat (I'm starting classes ASAP)
  5. Green tea extract
  6. Ppowder
  7. MORE VITAMINS!
  8. Journal for anti-online thinspiration
  9. Proper weights
  10. Highly inspirational swimsuit (I need to be perfect for Coachella and Prom)

Monday, February 16, 2009

WHAT I WILL NEED: Support websites

http://anabootcamp.page.tl/Books.htm?PHPSESSID=eb87e19210286d59f9ec400130f4c2f8

http://community.livejournal.com/anabootcamp/

http://www.freewebs.com/ana-beauty/

http://s72.photobucket.com/albums/i174/Thin_america/Thinsporation/

http://www.style.com/vogue/

WHAT I WILL NEED: Books

* EVERY WEEK I'M READING ONE BOOK FROM THIS LIST (Any more than that, and I'll go insane, anorexia books are intoxicating and promote lunacy), AND ONE BOOK THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH EATING DISORDERS.

The Hungry Self: Women, Eating, and Identity
My Life As A Male Anorexic
A Hunger So Wide and So Deep
Anorexia Nervosa And Recovery
Never Too Thin
Own Was A Baker's Daughter
The Binge-Purge Cycle
White Straight Talk About Eating Disorders
The Long Road Back, A Survivores Guide To Anorexia
Dancing On My Grave
Inner Hunger
Good Enough
The Secret Language Of Eating Disorders
The Golden Cage
Addiction To Perfection
The Deadly Diet
Best Little Girl In The World
Wasted
Hunger Point
Second Star To The Right
Dying To Be Thin
Thin
To Die For
Anorexic
Good Girls Do Swallow
AshEmpty
Anorexia - A Stranger In The Family
Empty Inside
So Now You Know
The Echo Glass
Unbound
Skinny
Feeling For Bones
Perfect: Anorexia And Me
Inside Out: Portrait Of An Eating Disorder
Next To Nothing
Skin
Running On Empty
Gaining
Ana's Girls
Diary Of An Anorexic Girl
Slim To None
Anorexics On Anorexia
Silenced By Bulimia
A Year In The Life Of Bulimia
Learning To Be Me
Appetite For Life
Little Steps

80% Por Vous, 20% Por Moi

HELLO CLARE HATCH. Please return to earth, space creature, this blog entry is entirely and completely dedicated to you. (And I think blogs are lame so even a minimal expression of gratitude would be welcome babushka)


I love you so so so much. And you WORRY me so so so much. I want to help you, and not in that conventional "there is a way to be normal" extending of the hand of healing way. Also, I want to help ME.
Nobody heals quickly, some people don't heal ever. There are ways to heal spiritually and mentally without completing the full circuit. I am a prime example bella, so trust me here. However, the only thing I will ask of you is that you are happy. To me, that is the heart and soul of EVERY SINGLE THING I DO. I am happy-and not in the tortured sense. Yes, I am bulimic, and have fraying relationships, and worry, do not have a charmed life (Pshh, like anyone does, right?). And you are facing times even more bestowed with torment then I could even begin to imagine. (I sort of can, actually, and not that your blog entries are any dead giveaway to what's going on in your brain, but if you're writing "welcome ana" I'm sure you are backed into the farthest metaphorical corner of desperation.)

Like you, I would desperately like to be skinny again, more so than I've ever been. I would also like to simultaneously retain control of my happiness, health, and mind. Skinny but frantically stupid will never appeal to me. And my request is, not only that you be my ana buddy, but that you let me be yours. We are complete opposites in the personality department, Clare Hatch; you have the self control, i'm incredibly lacking, you're empathy where i am strangely resilient, upper, downer, yin, yang, peanut butter and jelly (have fun picking which one of those is better). If we are in this together, do you think we can hold each other up? You're my sister and I am dying to protect you from those things that hurt, especially when you administer them yourself.

THESE ARE THE RULES

1) We will STAY HAPPY. There will be no "I am still so fat, ahhhh". If we continue to restrict, fast, and remain in control, we WILL NOT BE FAT. Use your brain- if you're underweight, you ARE SKINNY. Realization is key here, because at a certain point, it will never feel like enough. We are currently not fat. But you can never be too skinny or too rich: and that is what we're going for here.

2) I don't want to compete with you. I don't want to be one upped, and I'm sure you don't want to be either. We will be in this together for support and strength. 2 in 1, love.

3)We will keep the ED as far back in our minds as possible. It's kind of lame to have a life that circles around something so typical. We will have adventures; we will explore the world; WE WILL DEAL WITH IT. It's part of existing and reaping the benefits of being skinny. (FYI: we will not be eating during any of said adventuring)

4)We will decide on our own eating habits. We can fast together, because that takes a holy shitload of willpower, but different things work for different people, and sticking to a diet that doesn't work for you is ridiculous.

5)I'm making weight goals that don't shrink. There will be no, "just 5 more lbs"! Absolutement non! Your goal is 100, yeah? So is mine. However, I am one inch taller therefore I'm going to make a rule (And we can discuss this because i'm totally not comfortable with deciding your weight for you, but I want to be lenient) that you will stay between 90-105 lbs for better or for worse, and that I'll be between 95-110 for better or for worse. And if we get there, I don't want any shit about it.

6) No lies. Ever. End of story. NEVER.

7)No laxatives. Can we please agree that they're stupid? I still don't even understand why anybody even does them

8) No cutting. Please? I'll keep you happy, best I can, so just don't do it. I'll have to compare you to Brittany Diaz at least 10% of the time if you do.

9) Accept the love that is revolving around you. Don't be angry. Your parents love you, Hilary loves you, blahhhhhhh. I LOVE YOU. So deal with it. When people try to help you, let them, because it will make THEM happy. You don't have to take their advice, or do anything they say, but just LET them. It will make you hurt less when they hurt less; unfortunately in this department, you are a Pisces.

10) Recovery could happen. We have to let it in at any chance, whenever it chooses to greet us. Most important is that we remember the existence of life without and ED. That so many people don't have this issue! Living a life that is sweet and pure and unlimitlessly happy is possible no matter how low we have come.


I love you Princess Bam Whammity, and don't you EVER forget it.

XOXO, Princess Naked as a Jaybird